I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
