Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
