my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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