I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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