while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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