Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
