I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just gift wrapped bread.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
