i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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