forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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