A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
