Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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