She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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