Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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