My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
