I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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