I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
