I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
