Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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