she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
