I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
