dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
