I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
