i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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