After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
