is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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