We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
