you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
