Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
