I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
