Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
