toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
