Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
