I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize