I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
