is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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