Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
