My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
