My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
