you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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