i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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