you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
