To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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