Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
