I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ugly people sure do ruin things
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
