Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
