no, he came in my armpit
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
