i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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