My hand turned me down
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i think my cat just said my name.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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