rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
