We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
