i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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