So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
