What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
