I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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