I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
