Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize