Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
