Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
