Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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