Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
