I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize