I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We are all done wearing pants today
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
